when i was on the plane, and actually awake, i looked out of my miniscule window that allowed me let me know that i was escaping the world, and zooming out of the ground acting as a reverse microscope. so here's a mysterious thought that i am still unable to decrypt. sometimes God acts as the enemy that purposely sends us encrypted messages to confuse and sabatoge our own will. the latest scrambled message i got was an observation i had as the jet took off. as i looked out the window, the sun was casting a shadow of the plane onto the ground. i was staring at it because i had never seen the shadow of the plane before. the shadow resembled a miniature version of the plane. as the plane started to increase its speed and lift off, the shadow started to become detatched with the plane. and as our elevation increased, the shadow started to distance itself more and inversely shrink. then suddenly, the shadow became small so that it just "merged" with the city blocks and highways. it grew farther away, smaller, and eventually just became lost in the thick mix.

okay, just try this right now since i feel that i'm confusing people. (i know i shouldn't be catering to the readers, but i don't want anyone thinking i'm THAT nutty). put your hand on a desk. now look at its shadow. it's almost touching your hand. lift it off the desk slowly, and the shadow separates and starts to move farther away from your hand. now imagine the shadow shrinking. that's what i saw, but on a much more grandiose scale... from an AIRPLANE.

so as i was watching, i just smiled. and it automatically switched on my "ponderance" mood and i have not been able to figure out why it amuses me so deftly. does it reveal my relationship with God? how we were once joined with him, but due to sin have become "lost" in the "world?" or does it inspire me to photograph it? or does it inspire me for poetry? actually, my first instinct was to write poetry on that site... but i need to figure out what it means to me at first. the point is that it simply inspires me. possible one of those "God is mysterious" things where we can just look back and stare in eternal awe and infinite admiration.

who knows, not me... not yet.


so i have another ambitious plan that i have been thinking about for quite a number of years. my fantasy life would be to write for a sitcom or be a screenwriter. but i think i'll start off writing a novel. people have told me independently that my life is one big soap opera. honestly, i think i just like writing - even if i'm not good at it. but i was thinking about what i should title it. i was thinking something along the lines of "one hit novel" or "a life: revisited" or "an ordinary one among many" since i only plan on writing one book. maybe i should just gather all the thoughts i ever typed and compile it into one book. saves me a lot of time that way.

it's been quite a while since i last wrote in this. a week has already flown by. i am now home in new jersey, and have been doing nothing but sitting here. none of my friends have come back home because they are all still in school or going on vacation since they graduated. me? i'm just at home. for two weeks, not really going on any vacation.

i believe that decisions are quite an interesting phenomenon. it requires us to consciously decide what our next step in life is going to be while at the same time, have absolutely no control over it. when we are coerced into choosing the door that is our future, it's a mystery that leads us towards the door. we choose a door where it has no windows. we have no idea what lies beyond it. we can only formulate a hypothesis - judge a book by its cover. for how do you know the future? God says in Ecclesiastes 8 "Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come?"
so in making decisions, it's not about directing your own life - despite its deceitful countenance. it's not about trying to do what other people say or about what you think is best for you. you simply have no control, no handle or grasp over the life that you supposedly call your own.
it's about what God wants you to do, and how you should obey him. sure, we have free will and liberty, but God is ultimately in control. "The LORD reigns, he is robed in majesty; the LORD is robed in majesty and is armed with strength. The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved." - Psalm 93

so when you do make a decision, pray that it is God's WIll and not your own sinful desires that lead you. if it is not what God wants you to do, it is guaranteed that He will correct you. for He has the power and authority over you and the world.

the reason why i write this is because my dad has been
pressuring me to pursue a career into something i do not want to get into. and it requires that i know some computer programming languages - and i have a strong dislike for computer programming. so basically, he has put me in a position where i must choose to either pursue a master's in bioinformatics, or stay at the company i intend to work for (my dad actually told me to stay with that company, which he now denies ever saying). so what do i do? what is God's will? i think His will for me is to pray about things that i haven't been lately. pray andy...

p.s. bioinformatics is a field which combines Computer Science and Biology...

so here's something people find weird about my life:

i don't like falling asleep.

lately, i have been going to bed at around 5 or 6 and waking up at around 2 pm. the reason is i try to stay awake as long as possible until i get so tired i just conk out. the past two years, i have been falling asleep with the TV turned on and putting it on sleep. this way, i don't have to think about my problems and feel depressed or scared. there are a lot of things that have been on my mind and that i am worried about. it's hard to give your yoke to Christ and instead wear his... just how do you do it?

i mean the thought of just thinking to yourself and meditating is something i do. driving down to milpitas through traffic, i have a lot of time to myself. but i blast the radio on and turn into a zombie. walking to class or sitting in class, that's when i tend to think and reflect.

Pastor Eugene gave a message on meditation and how we simply don't do it enough because of all these distractions that run in our lives. he was so money when he said that. i am constantly either online, listening to music, studying, or watching tv. i don't really set aside any time for God unless i am doing my quiet times or just happen to be by myself, which is hardly enough.

so the point is, i don't like to go to bed because i'm scared. i don't like to think of all my problems because it will just stress me out. i have an ulcer and other conditions that are just too gross to mention (it involves blood). i want peace, and i know that i can attain peace through Him that invented it. is it automatic? is it something you just have to wait for? for me, quiet times, Bible reading, prayer, and trying to sleep only gets me to worry about them more since i'm concentrating on them and how to transfer them to God rather than just finding the peace that He has already prepared for me. i just don't understand it. i know i'm doing something wrong. Simon Yun from Stanford once told me that God is putting "peace" right in our faces, and we just have to reach for it and grab it. i have no arms.

after this "thing" i went through at home, my dad gave me sleeping pills to try since he was having problems as well. i've only used it once, since it's a very strong pill... after it's all settled, i hope that i can be excited to sleep. i dunno. i'm mental.

i hate naps more than i hate going to bed at nite. the reasons are different though... i wake up sweaty, drooling, dizzy, nauxious, and with a big headache... and no, i don't do that when i'm sleeping at nite. i think it's because my basal metabolic rate is still acting like i'm awake.

like i said... i'm mental.

so here's a suggestion to y'all, especially the berkeley folk.

in recognizance of jack.html, i say we make an ficb version? this way, we don't have to constantly look through the links and stuff... yes?

also, what about an ficb-alumni website?

let me know!

yesterday was my last day of school, but there still isn't that feeling of peace and joy and jubilee that has been instilled in me that has been aching for this moment. no more studying. no more late nites ant the library. no more stressing about things that i don't really care about. no more.

at least i hope.

i feel like i might have failed a class, which really makes me feel horrible because the whole semester long my parents have urged me to finish strong and do well in school. i might have totally let them down. and so i feel fear, rather than joy. what if i have to take summer school? argh.

so yeah, i'm going to keep this short because i feel like playing right now.

it has become quite an annoyance, losing two lengthy entries now. it deters me from writing anymore, coercing me back to the antiquated style and papyrus.

i wrote a lot earlier today, but it's so discouraging losing these entries, i'm just going to keep this one short.

so basically, i wanted to thank those who signed my guestbook, letting me know that they actually read my thoughts. i was very touched, and thank you very much. i just have to remember that i need to keep this blog solely for the procession of my own thoughts and conscience, and not to please the audience... not that i have anything against it, but yeah... hopefully, if people continue to read these random thoughts, they will learn from my experiences as a Christian and build from it - just as i am continuously building... buildling a knowledge that it is only God who does the growing, according to the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians.

yesterday was my last small group of college. what we did was drive to the original KCPC site on 50 northridge. we hopped the fence, alarmed some neighbors who thought we were a cult, because we were standing in a circle praying outloud and singing songs... it was a tight circle because it was very cold and windy. it saddens me that i probably will not get to worship along the scenic view that was once our home. what was really strange was the fact that everytime we started praying and singing praise songs, the winds would suddenly pick up. i honestly believe it was Satan trying to distract us from worshipping God, just as Satan tempted Jesus in the beginning of Matthew. and we stuck through it. we prayed through the wind gusts, and as soon as we were done praying (we prayed three times), the winds stopped to almost nil. when we finished singing our praise songs, the winds stopped to almost nil. it was really an interesting experience.

this past year's small group was arguably the best male small group of the year. we were very much so like a girl small group, because we were incredulously open with each other, sharing all of our difficulties as well as holding each other accountable and lifting each other up in prayer. our small group was notorious for lasting at least 3 to 4 hours every night. we start at 8:30, and end past midnite or 1 am. it was crazy. of course there would be some grumbling because it was getting late, but not one person ever fell asleep or got bored. we genuinely cared for each other, and were able to learn about family difficulties, friendships, God's Will, prayer, missions, and several other things that we each have gone through. it's amazing how much we can learn from just sharing and being there for each other. i honestly would not be surprised if my guys do not remember a single lesson. but i would certainly be surprised if we all forgot about each other and were curious at one time or another to see how we are doing. probably the biggest lesson i learned myself is our dire need for our Christian family.

Christ had his inner circle (John, Peter, James), Moses had Aaron, Adam had Eve, Paul and Timothy, the list goes on and on.

2 Tim. 5:9 writes something like "Come here as fast as you can" or something like that, i don't remember the exact quote (forgive me... please look it up, i'm too tired). It's when Paul is about to be executed, and he asks for Timothy to come quick for his moral support as a Christian brother. He even says it twice in the same chapter. Later on, he writes something like "Hurry up and come before winter". The point is, if Paul needed Timothy for reliance, how much more do we need our personal and close confidant?

so to my small group who has listened and shared their dark closet that is their heart...

thanks.


in ponderance, who is my wingman? more importantly, who is YOUR wingman?


for those familiar with the movie "Backdraft" or to those who went to senior retreat during spring break...
"i'll be your Bull, and that's no bull."

okay i'm going to copy and paste this entry before i lose it again.

okay. i just spent an hour writing another thought... and blogger lost it. again.

argh.

more to come later.

i was talking to my friend about how i am so non-confrontational and avoid those kind of situations whenever i can. for example, we were at the video store where they supposedly had this movie "Do the Right Thing" in stock and placed a hold on when i called, and it turns out they didn't have it. i just said "okay, thanks!" smiled, then left.
my friend was like, "wow, you really are non-confrontational... " and proceeded to tell me that she would have asked them why it wasn't there, despite the fact they said it was - along with other questions. i mean, it's not even confrontational, but just simply showing displeasure and disappointment, which everyone either should or does have a right to do.

i just feel like, "hey, what's the point? they're just gonna get more frustrated than they need to be. there are tons of other movie rental places in berkeley, so no biggie." many people don't like the way i think, because they say it's too "nice" and too easily taken advantage of. i think it is true, that i can get taken advantage of. often times, an old friend would yell at me for putting other people's worries a priority over mine. like, i would pull an all niter to help them with their project, even though i was supposed to wake up at 6 am and go to prayer meeting, then go to work. if it was my project, i don't think i would pull an all-niter.
so yeah, i'll definitely do things for other people on top of things i need to do for me. my parents yell at me about that all the time too.

so this all comes back to my non-confrontational side. i don't want to put any more burden on them, so i'll just do it myself... y'know? if a waiter brings me the wrong dish, i'll just eat it. if someone is late to a meeting, like an hour late, i'll think "dang he's late" but say "no problem." i dunno, but i believe that we're called to be servants to everyone.

"For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more; and to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the law, as under the law, that I might win those who are under the law; to those who are without law, as without law (not being without law toward God, but under law toward Christ), that I might win those who are without law; to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. Now this I do for the gospel's sake, that I may be partaker of it with you."
1 Corinthians 9:19-23

now some people have told me that i should learn how to say 'no' and recently i have become much better at it. at the same time, i still believe that practicing love and preaching the Gospel means to be a servant to anyone and or everyone. Being a servant includes the act of sacrifice, putting someone else's needs over your own. Paul has more than sacrificed his 'rights' as he talks about earlier in 1 Cor. for the sake of his brothers. Money, food, clothing, etc. Furthermore, showing love means to sacrifice. "For God so LOVED the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Love, just like serving, is an active verb/noun, where it can only be shown through actions. Christ, moreover, KNEW that he was a sacrifice, yet he STILL served us with such a true giving heart. for me, i would definitely not be as nice if i knew i had to save us.

can you imagine? you KNOW you're going to die this terrible death. you KNOW that people are going to treat you like crap. you KNOW you're God. yet you still love and serve these people like no one has ever before. Man, can Christ feel bitterness?

so i think this is what we are all called to do. to be servants through love and humility, and through our actions, hopefully win over the lost. hence, my non-confrontational side. maybe someone's going to ask one day "why didn't you yell at me?" even though that has still yet to come, that is definitely something i am hoping for.

I know this is a long entry, but okay. i had this dream last nite which i think came from my conversation about non-confrontation. all the closest people who i have withheld struggles with simply came out last nite. I started yelling and screaming at them, and asking why they did this or that, and why they have become so cold, etc. like i was literally screaming and yelling, and even breaking dishes because i was so pissed off and hurt. (these people will remain anonymous) all these emotions that i held inside of me were vented, and after i yelled and screamed at the people who have hurt me the most, i started crying on the floor for a long time. like really crying... the kind where you're screaming to yourself and your face and eyeballs hurt. i haven't done that in a long long time. since high school i think. actually, i threw away the broken cups and dishes, and washed the dishes right before i went to the floor to cry. ironic, huh?

i woke up with this huge headache, and i'm still kinda phased by it. i seriously think my sub-conscious needed an outlet, and of course me, having really nobody to go to, let it out in my dreams. i mean, maybe i do have people to go to, but these are just some things that can't be shared or i've just held my problems in for so long, i simply forgot how to let go. but anyways, yeah... it was very striking to me this morning and i just sat there thinking... people really do need an outlet, and in light of my previous entry, i need one.

it's just a matter of time before i really start using God as my primary outlet and people as my secondary. i really don't want to have those dreams again.

the time is 4:10 am. i have a final this coming tuesday, and i am falling deathly behind in my studies. i feel like composing tonite, after suffering and trudging through yet another day, about ... friends.

so upon leaving college, i have come to a realization that i do not really have any best friends that are "christian". sure there are my "non-christian" friends, who have been more faithful, more forgiving, and more inclusive than any of my other christian friends, and without them i surely would not have been able to get through college. to them, i owe much thanks.
my other close friends, people i have known mostly through church, have been more of a discouragement than an encouragement. when going through some of the rough times and need people to talk to, your mind automatically passes through this filter, where you ask yourself "can i call him? can i call her?" among other inquisitions and standards. when my mind passes through this filter nowadays, i end up with a total count of nil.

it probably has to do with me more than anyone else, but during some of my roughest times of college - my supposed best friends have been non-existent. this has happened 3 times to me, in college alone. remember, not including high school. if you know me well enough, then you know. if you don't, then i'll tell you another time.
these are NOT situations where i got a C in a class and needed someone to complain to, or a person i liked hurt me or whatnot. these are situations where you absolutely need the support, because without it, you surely wouldn't have made it. examples of this include death of someone close to you, and suffering slander and defamation and lies that have are undoubtably detrimental to your daily living.

but yeah... i've thought of some qualities of what 'true' best friends should be like:
- they come to you with your problems as well as their joys and updates on their situation.
many times people share their problems without letting you know aftewards how things are. i'm often thinking, is the situation still bad? is the problem solved? often, it is and leave me hanging, still praying and worried and concerned about them.
for example, a supposed best friend is very stressed about finding a job. he/she tells you about their worries and stress, like any normal friend does, and you become concerned. he/she finds one, and despite all the supportiveness, they don't tell you when they actually find one. you're still praying and worried and thinking about your close friend, and wondering what's going on - and they just never tell you. you hear from someone else...
i believe best friends should share happy moments as well as sad moments. otherwise, you just become an ear, a microphone, and a recorder - nothing else.

- best friends don't ever breech your mutual acceptance of trust, because trust is a very fragile thing. and when they do, they have to earn it back.
this is true for basically anyone and is pretty self-explanatory. when the time comes to trust your friend in a certain situation, your true friends will be there and the others probably won't care.

- best friends make you a priority.
again, this is pretty self-explanatory. i have been through some unusally intricate times where i so desperately wanted a shoulder to lean and cry on. a shoulder has been there occasionally - but only when they feel like it. a best friend makes you a priority and makes sacrifices to be there for you.

there have been people who i have thought to have been best friends, and this year, it's turned out that it only went one-way. as i've been there for them, they have not been there for me. i even got in trouble by a mentor for not having friends to lean on (basically, he said "you've gotta find some friends cause obviously, your supposed best friend isn't there for you. and you need them fast."), and my own father for choosing terrible friends who simply couldn't support me when i needed. he goes on and on about how he know so-and-so wasn't trustworthy because of this-and-that, and tells me what i should have done instead.
imagine that - i never went to my parents for any social/moral support ever in my life, or don't know many people who do. in my case, they had no other choice but to step in since they saw a friend who i trusted with everything turned his/her (i'm trying to be really ambiguous here, sorry) back on me. good parents are a wonderful thing, despite any malevolent or belligerent history. thank you mom. thank you dad. thank you God.

i'm such a ditz. i just lost my update, and i have no idea where it went. the last 1/2 hour was devoted, but... i guess i'll just write a summary. dang.

nah, i'll just write it later.

but just remember this.

happiness is a surprise hug.

okay, so after reading over my last entry, i feel like the lamest person anyone knows. hence 'inside andy chang'

but anyways, this is what happened today.

sleep. work. study.

redemption baby.

forget it, i'll write more later.

a new design. i have no idea why. a re-genesis? i think not.

why groceries? i have no idea, so don't start getting posthumuous/shakespearean on me...
and no, i'm not gay, despite the fruitiness and wieners and kisses.

maybe i should interpret my own work:

possibly this page has everything anyone could need. just like the grocery store. you have your fruits, your meats, your desserts... you can live just by going to safeway or acme or ralph's. so this webpage has everything i need as well. a journal to log my thoughts and to clarify my life, a photo album to visually remind me of my life and friends (which would explain why it's blank right now), a place to hear other people's thoughts, and to see other people's lives.

or possibly not.

well, thanx to all 2 of you who have visited my page anyways (peter choi and jason yang).

i gotta study.

so okay. i am now using blogger to post thoughts and going to join this semi-fad within the senior class of ficb. the reason? because i do not want to be lazy anymore, and because peter choi told me to. so not like any of you really care about my thoughts, but my motivation is for self-interest and to hopefully decipher the impossible code that is me.
as i tell many people, my life is quite complicated, yet never share why. to be honest, my life deals with persecution, murder, unfaithfulness, friendship problems, financial problems, and basically everything in between.

this is not an exaggeration in any way.

so hopefully, i may someday come to terms with myself and share with the world what my life has been like the past 4 hears. but that is someday.

thanx for reading... all 3 of you.

remember, this is mostly for own personal reasons, but if you feel like coming along for the ride, there is always room. always shotgun.

first thought using blogger. i got too lazy.