so here's something people find weird about my life:

i don't like falling asleep.

lately, i have been going to bed at around 5 or 6 and waking up at around 2 pm. the reason is i try to stay awake as long as possible until i get so tired i just conk out. the past two years, i have been falling asleep with the TV turned on and putting it on sleep. this way, i don't have to think about my problems and feel depressed or scared. there are a lot of things that have been on my mind and that i am worried about. it's hard to give your yoke to Christ and instead wear his... just how do you do it?

i mean the thought of just thinking to yourself and meditating is something i do. driving down to milpitas through traffic, i have a lot of time to myself. but i blast the radio on and turn into a zombie. walking to class or sitting in class, that's when i tend to think and reflect.

Pastor Eugene gave a message on meditation and how we simply don't do it enough because of all these distractions that run in our lives. he was so money when he said that. i am constantly either online, listening to music, studying, or watching tv. i don't really set aside any time for God unless i am doing my quiet times or just happen to be by myself, which is hardly enough.

so the point is, i don't like to go to bed because i'm scared. i don't like to think of all my problems because it will just stress me out. i have an ulcer and other conditions that are just too gross to mention (it involves blood). i want peace, and i know that i can attain peace through Him that invented it. is it automatic? is it something you just have to wait for? for me, quiet times, Bible reading, prayer, and trying to sleep only gets me to worry about them more since i'm concentrating on them and how to transfer them to God rather than just finding the peace that He has already prepared for me. i just don't understand it. i know i'm doing something wrong. Simon Yun from Stanford once told me that God is putting "peace" right in our faces, and we just have to reach for it and grab it. i have no arms.

after this "thing" i went through at home, my dad gave me sleeping pills to try since he was having problems as well. i've only used it once, since it's a very strong pill... after it's all settled, i hope that i can be excited to sleep. i dunno. i'm mental.

i hate naps more than i hate going to bed at nite. the reasons are different though... i wake up sweaty, drooling, dizzy, nauxious, and with a big headache... and no, i don't do that when i'm sleeping at nite. i think it's because my basal metabolic rate is still acting like i'm awake.

like i said... i'm mental.