the time is 4:10 am. i have a final this coming tuesday, and i am falling deathly behind in my studies. i feel like composing tonite, after suffering and trudging through yet another day, about ... friends.

so upon leaving college, i have come to a realization that i do not really have any best friends that are "christian". sure there are my "non-christian" friends, who have been more faithful, more forgiving, and more inclusive than any of my other christian friends, and without them i surely would not have been able to get through college. to them, i owe much thanks.
my other close friends, people i have known mostly through church, have been more of a discouragement than an encouragement. when going through some of the rough times and need people to talk to, your mind automatically passes through this filter, where you ask yourself "can i call him? can i call her?" among other inquisitions and standards. when my mind passes through this filter nowadays, i end up with a total count of nil.

it probably has to do with me more than anyone else, but during some of my roughest times of college - my supposed best friends have been non-existent. this has happened 3 times to me, in college alone. remember, not including high school. if you know me well enough, then you know. if you don't, then i'll tell you another time.
these are NOT situations where i got a C in a class and needed someone to complain to, or a person i liked hurt me or whatnot. these are situations where you absolutely need the support, because without it, you surely wouldn't have made it. examples of this include death of someone close to you, and suffering slander and defamation and lies that have are undoubtably detrimental to your daily living.

but yeah... i've thought of some qualities of what 'true' best friends should be like:
- they come to you with your problems as well as their joys and updates on their situation.
many times people share their problems without letting you know aftewards how things are. i'm often thinking, is the situation still bad? is the problem solved? often, it is and leave me hanging, still praying and worried and concerned about them.
for example, a supposed best friend is very stressed about finding a job. he/she tells you about their worries and stress, like any normal friend does, and you become concerned. he/she finds one, and despite all the supportiveness, they don't tell you when they actually find one. you're still praying and worried and thinking about your close friend, and wondering what's going on - and they just never tell you. you hear from someone else...
i believe best friends should share happy moments as well as sad moments. otherwise, you just become an ear, a microphone, and a recorder - nothing else.

- best friends don't ever breech your mutual acceptance of trust, because trust is a very fragile thing. and when they do, they have to earn it back.
this is true for basically anyone and is pretty self-explanatory. when the time comes to trust your friend in a certain situation, your true friends will be there and the others probably won't care.

- best friends make you a priority.
again, this is pretty self-explanatory. i have been through some unusally intricate times where i so desperately wanted a shoulder to lean and cry on. a shoulder has been there occasionally - but only when they feel like it. a best friend makes you a priority and makes sacrifices to be there for you.

there have been people who i have thought to have been best friends, and this year, it's turned out that it only went one-way. as i've been there for them, they have not been there for me. i even got in trouble by a mentor for not having friends to lean on (basically, he said "you've gotta find some friends cause obviously, your supposed best friend isn't there for you. and you need them fast."), and my own father for choosing terrible friends who simply couldn't support me when i needed. he goes on and on about how he know so-and-so wasn't trustworthy because of this-and-that, and tells me what i should have done instead.
imagine that - i never went to my parents for any social/moral support ever in my life, or don't know many people who do. in my case, they had no other choice but to step in since they saw a friend who i trusted with everything turned his/her (i'm trying to be really ambiguous here, sorry) back on me. good parents are a wonderful thing, despite any malevolent or belligerent history. thank you mom. thank you dad. thank you God.