how interesting. i talked to my dad and he is considering changing churches - from a korean church to a non-korean church. for different reasons of course, but how funny.

i guess i'll write about it more later - it's just way too late right now.

before havoc brews and boils over, this is going to explain why kcpc is a church that i have loved so much. i need to write this down.

despite all of the negativity and problems with my old church, let me make it clear that ALL CHURCHES HAVE PROBLEMS. it just depends what the individual is looking for - and for me, kcpc just wasn't the place. but what kept me at kcpc was the teaching and strong belief. there has been no other time in my life where i have grown spiritually so fast, enabling for me to have a tangible and strong and secure relationship with God. most of it has to do with my small group leader my freshman year, who taught me so many important lessons in life. he was very bothered that i didn't really have any friends, and always encouraged me to go out with them. i guess he never understood it just wasn't easy for me.
the friends that i have made and trips and adventures i have made are also genuine, although limited. although i did not particularly like the personalities of my congregation, i honestly have to say that i still love them as my own. no other group has hurt me so deep, at the same time, encouraged me as deep. my best college memories come from the brothers and sisters that i met at kcpc. when it is all down to business, nobody - and i mean nobody - treats you poorly. it's just that those times are rare for me. for everyone else, as long as they fit in, it's the best place that anyone can be in.
the pastors truly care for you, which is a rare and awesome quality in today's churches. nobody will ever understand how good the pastors have treated me and took care of me during my times of need. during one of the darkest times of my life, the pastors were constantly there for me like no other friend has. it was a time of complete darkness - my life was radically changing in an unfavorable way, my closest friends left me while they knew what i was going through, and other terrible things that just cannot be mentioned. it wasn't my friends that helped me - it was the pastors. they showed me what a true shephard is, they showed me what true christian love is, they showed me how to get hope from Him who creates it. i am so eternally grateful.

so despite all of the negative qualities of kcpc, i do not hate the church at all. i love it with my dear heart - it is just a place where i cannot stay.

(*someone read my website a while back, and sent me a sociology paper that i really want to post up. it concerns the role of ficb and korean society... very interesting perspective of ficb from a non-xian point of view... and really highlights some things that troubled me.*)

today i am going to write why i chose to leave kcpc... the church that has caused my heart to split in so many directions. if this offends any of you, then i'm sorry. and while i write as if i mention kcpc as a whole, this does not include every person. it is a generality.


since freshman year, i knew that i did not 'belong' at kcpc. my first sunday was pretty miserable where i really didn't talk to anyone. i have always been shy with new groups - and of course it doesn't help where everyone knows each other already. there were several dinners and movie outgoings that i heard about because of eavesdropping and it wasn't until my senior year where i felt 'included.' there are several class pictures (excluding events where it was churchwide, i.e. senior banquet) - and if you actually have any clue what i'm talking about, i don't show up in them until junior year. nobody really bothered to tell me. i definitely did not feel like i belonged to any group. i think most of it was attributed to the fact that i wasn't "korean" enough, i was from the east coast, and i wasn't very social. i tried fixing the non-social aspect of my life by joining the welcoming committee my freshman year and the transportation committee my sophomore year. that way, i HAD to know people.
feeling welcome at a church is always something i believed strongly in. so many people have turned away to kcpc because they didn't "fit in." if you look at the profile of kcpc - they are all essentially the same person. they talk the same, they act the same, they hang out only with the same people, you have to be just a certain 'type' of person. i can't exactly point my finger on what it is exactly, but it just can't be good. i believe that several freshmen choose kcpc just because it's the 'thing to do.' personally, i think that is one of the most pressing problems of today's church - particularly korean ones.
it has become more of a social place - not a spiritual one. one reason why i believe this is because i have met very few people who say they chose kcpc because they were changed spiritually. it has either been 'the people' or 'the praise team.' less than 10 people come out to the prayer meetings a week (whenever i went, at least) out of a congregation of over 200. people have started swearing in public (even small group leaders), people have become drunk during 'fellowship', and a lot more "scandalous" behavior that i cannot mention. of course i am definitely guilty, and that is not a quality that is exclusive to kcpc either. but i really don't know many other church congregations that would tolerate that kind of behavior.

another reason why i felt like i needed to leave kcpc - while attending first presbyterian recently, i ran into an acquaintance who used to attend kcpc. he didn't exactly 'fit in' because he was from the east coast as well. but he played basketball, and was always called to play after church and during the week. older people would tell him that they want him in his small group the following year just because he can play basketball. eventually, he stopped coming out because he too didn't feel like he belonged. i talked to him on occassion, and he became part of the 'asian-frat' crowd... getting into fights, smoking, etc. but when he chose to come back to church, he didn't choose kcpc. he chose first presbyterian. it was kcpc that became a reason why he stopped going to church. of course, the church itself that is a stupid reason to stop going to any church at all, but it should never be a factor in the first place.

this brings me to the main reason why i chose to leave kcpc. i want my friends to become christian as well. and if they come to kcpc and become treated the way i and several other newcomers have been treated, they will judge christianity as a whole. aileen told me she never wants to go to kcpc because of the exclusive society that she has to be a part of in order to be included. she goes to first presbyterian. my roommate has been interested in christianity recently - and going to kcpc would surely have turned him off. i used to tell my small group - "if you want to bring your friends to church, don't bring them here." they all agreed. so what i have asked myself so many times is, how can i go to a church where non-xians will feel excluded? and after four years of serving a church that has changed my life so much - i felt it was time to go.

i will write more about the positive aspects of kcpc later, because honestly, it's not a terrible church. you just have to be a certain way, a certain type, a certain 'ego.'