i was talking to my friend about how i am so non-confrontational and avoid those kind of situations whenever i can. for example, we were at the video store where they supposedly had this movie "Do the Right Thing" in stock and placed a hold on when i called, and it turns out they didn't have it. i just said "okay, thanks!" smiled, then left.
my friend was like, "wow, you really are non-confrontational... " and proceeded to tell me that she would have asked them why it wasn't there, despite the fact they said it was - along with other questions. i mean, it's not even confrontational, but just simply showing displeasure and disappointment, which everyone either should or does have a right to do.

i just feel like, "hey, what's the point? they're just gonna get more frustrated than they need to be. there are tons of other movie rental places in berkeley, so no biggie." many people don't like the way i think, because they say it's too "nice" and too easily taken advantage of. i think it is true, that i can get taken advantage of. often times, an old friend would yell at me for putting other people's worries a priority over mine. like, i would pull an all niter to help them with their project, even though i was supposed to wake up at 6 am and go to prayer meeting, then go to work. if it was my project, i don't think i would pull an all-niter.
so yeah, i'll definitely do things for other people on top of things i need to do for me. my parents yell at me about that all the time too.

so this all comes back to my non-confrontational side. i don't want to put any more burden on them, so i'll just do it myself... y'know? if a waiter brings me the wrong dish, i'll just eat it. if someone is late to a meeting, like an hour late, i'll think "dang he's late" but say "no problem." i dunno, but i believe that we're called to be servants to everyone.

"For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more; and to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the law, as under the law, that I might win those who are under the law; to those who are without law, as without law (not being without law toward God, but under law toward Christ), that I might win those who are without law; to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. Now this I do for the gospel's sake, that I may be partaker of it with you."
1 Corinthians 9:19-23

now some people have told me that i should learn how to say 'no' and recently i have become much better at it. at the same time, i still believe that practicing love and preaching the Gospel means to be a servant to anyone and or everyone. Being a servant includes the act of sacrifice, putting someone else's needs over your own. Paul has more than sacrificed his 'rights' as he talks about earlier in 1 Cor. for the sake of his brothers. Money, food, clothing, etc. Furthermore, showing love means to sacrifice. "For God so LOVED the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." Love, just like serving, is an active verb/noun, where it can only be shown through actions. Christ, moreover, KNEW that he was a sacrifice, yet he STILL served us with such a true giving heart. for me, i would definitely not be as nice if i knew i had to save us.

can you imagine? you KNOW you're going to die this terrible death. you KNOW that people are going to treat you like crap. you KNOW you're God. yet you still love and serve these people like no one has ever before. Man, can Christ feel bitterness?

so i think this is what we are all called to do. to be servants through love and humility, and through our actions, hopefully win over the lost. hence, my non-confrontational side. maybe someone's going to ask one day "why didn't you yell at me?" even though that has still yet to come, that is definitely something i am hoping for.

I know this is a long entry, but okay. i had this dream last nite which i think came from my conversation about non-confrontation. all the closest people who i have withheld struggles with simply came out last nite. I started yelling and screaming at them, and asking why they did this or that, and why they have become so cold, etc. like i was literally screaming and yelling, and even breaking dishes because i was so pissed off and hurt. (these people will remain anonymous) all these emotions that i held inside of me were vented, and after i yelled and screamed at the people who have hurt me the most, i started crying on the floor for a long time. like really crying... the kind where you're screaming to yourself and your face and eyeballs hurt. i haven't done that in a long long time. since high school i think. actually, i threw away the broken cups and dishes, and washed the dishes right before i went to the floor to cry. ironic, huh?

i woke up with this huge headache, and i'm still kinda phased by it. i seriously think my sub-conscious needed an outlet, and of course me, having really nobody to go to, let it out in my dreams. i mean, maybe i do have people to go to, but these are just some things that can't be shared or i've just held my problems in for so long, i simply forgot how to let go. but anyways, yeah... it was very striking to me this morning and i just sat there thinking... people really do need an outlet, and in light of my previous entry, i need one.

it's just a matter of time before i really start using God as my primary outlet and people as my secondary. i really don't want to have those dreams again.