it has been a long time since i last wrote in my entry. i really don't know what i should write about. i have been busy with work.
i am going to be getting a new computer... i'm going to write a lot more then.

so i'm going to write about my experience with my father, but this is going to be a different post because this one is not as serious. during my visit, it's either awe-inspiring or just plain weird to see how people at the hotel were kissing up to him. he stayed at the hampton inn and they were treating him like a king. my dad parked right in front of the door, where the valet parking usually is, and they didn't say a thing. his excuse was that we were only going to check in and then go to dinner, so it was okay - but i know that if i parked there, i would be told to move my car right away.
while checking in, the hotel clerk laughed at every comment he said, was EXTREMELY patient, and EXTREMELY friendly. i swear, if my dad said "can i have 20 dollars?" they'd say "sure dr. chang! of course! hee hee!" my dad was checking into the san francisco airport hampton inn so he wouldn't have to drive all the way from livermore at 6 in the morning to catch his flight. the people at the livermore hampton inn actually HAND wrote this long letter, including directions, who to check into, what time, everything - all hand written. all thisis because he's representing the government and are probably scared of him.
we arrived in the hotel room and when deciding on a place to eat, i decided to abuse them. i called the front desk and asked where a good chinese restaurant was, nearby, and doesn't use MSG. the front desk told me "sir, i do not know of any off the top of my head, but i will call all the restaurants in the area and ask if they have MSG. after that, i will call your room sir and let you know." geez... that's crazy. so they finally called us back (during which i was very tempted to play nintendo 64, which they offered in the room but watched the sharks - avalanche game instead), and my dad said that we'd come down and talk to them on the way out. so we go down to the front desk, and they have a menu and brochure of the restaurant ready for us to take. the clerk gave us directions, giggling, and laughing, and sent us on our way. car still parked right in front of the door. insane.

so we arrive at the chinese restaurant, and before my dad sits down, he asks "you use NO msg, right?" the waiter/owner was obviously insulted, and said "we use absolutely NO msg. sit down." that was definitely an awkward moment because it was kinda rude, and i was afraid that our food would have extra helpings of lugies. also, i already have the napkin folded on my lap and just waiting for my dad to sit as well.
when it was time to order, i asked for a glass of water. the waiter asked if my dad wanted one too, and he said "no, i like this tea, and i can't drink tap water."

so i wrote before that my dad was telling me go get a computer. the stipulation was, like i said yesterday, that i would have to seriously start learning programming languages. while i hate it so much, my dad is right in saying that knowing programming can only help you and make you stand out from the rest. he wins. again.

so what is the point of this thought... i'm definitely intrigued by my father.

he called me this morning from the airport to tell me to get a CD-RW drive along with the computer and that'd enjoy it later. i told him before that i dind't want one and i wanted to save money. he ended our conversation with "i love you." i told him that i loved him too. it was definitely weird hearing that.

last nite i had dinner with my father again. it was quite long and stimulating because he wanted to talk about my future (of course the usual MSG and tap water questions were asked, probably offending the owner). talking to him and seeing what he's accomplished while sacrificing so much for me just makes me want to be a better person. in college, i screwed up royal and now i'm paying for the consequences and i want to make it up to him. my goal now is to start taking business classes this summer and then apply to business school hopefully in the fall. while getting experience in the lab, knowing the ins and outs of the company, i hope to switch to the business side of biotech and from there, move up. my first priority is to get me and my family out of debt and second is to get an MBA. my father said he would pick up the tab for grad school, including books and tuition, and told me to buy a new computer today. i know that my family is under huge huge wraps because my sister is going to princeton, my educational loans, and the rest of his family he needs to take care of such as my grandmother. i don't want to accept his offer, but under my own financial conditions, i don't really have a choice.

currently, my grandmother is breathing through a tube that is attached to a hole in her throat because she cannot control her phlegm. she cannot speak and the only part of her body she has control of his her left hand, which she can only move a couple inches total. otherwise, she's just lying in bed and just... lying there. i wonder what she's thinking about or if she even enjoys life right now. one of my dad's older brothers is taking care of her day in and day out, and getting paid by the rest of his brothers to do it. he has to clean her diapers, feed her, talk to her, etc. knowing this depresses me because the next time i see my grandmother will probably be at her funeral. my sister, father, and mother will be visiting her in korea this summer and i probably can't go because i won't have enough vacation days that i can take off. to be honest, i'm not sure if i even want to see her in that condition because i know my guard will be let down and probably get emotional. so now i have a renewed sense of confidence in my future, a will and desire to do and be the best, and have once again been shamed and humbled my highly respectable and respected father.

this is what i learned in two and a half hours.

a while ago, i wrote a thought about asians in california.

here is the proof.

http://www.sfdrinkclub.com/events/gallery/

my father is here on a business trip to lawrence livermore national laboratory (is it a business trip? it's all science and less business) representing the Department of Energy on whether or not to approve their fusion program. how crazy is that, he and 4 other scientists have the power to reject millions of dollars of government money to something as grandiose as livermore. the crazy thing is he doesn't even work for the Department of Energy.
anyways, we had dinner on monday and are going to have dinner again today. it's weird having dinner with just your father, especially when you've never really done it before. my dad really hates eating out, and makes sure the waiter or waitress knows it. everytime we eat out, he asks the waiter 2 questions:

1) does this food have MSG in it? i cannot take MSG.
2) is this tap water or is this non-tap water? i cannot drink california tap water.

the waiter always gives us a really weird look... like, "what the heck is your problem, DUDE." but at the sametime knows my father is a figure of respect and not to mess with him. the last time someone tried to mess with him, according to my sister, he literally screamed at the host and manager. i've never heard my father scream at a restaurant, but i've seen him cause several uncomfortable moments. he lets you know if he's pissed. in any case, i digress.
my father and i rarely ever have dinner together because he hates going out to eat. so whenever we do eat together, it's at home - when i'm usually still in bed snoring. so tonite, i know we are going to talk about grad school, getting a computer, and my sister's future. for grad school, he's going to push very heavily on me to make a decision for which grad school to go to and when. i think he's ashamed of me working in a lab. he keeps saying "no son of mine is going to be a lab assistant for his career." he wants me to come home and take grad school at the college of new jersey. about computers, he wants me to get a computer, probably so i can start learning about C++ or C# or some other language like that. he always thought that i would be good at programming - i hate it. about my sister, i am not sure what he wants to discuss about with her. probably what kind of computer she is going to get and how i can help out with paying for her tuition in the future. i can't believe the cost of college these days. Princeton costs 36,500 dollars a year (spending only 2787 a year just on books, food, phone, recreation, etc). that is insane. in any case, i'm glad that my father is here and it's definitely been a weird experience hanging out with him.

This past weekend, i basically sat at home. i had no money so i couldn't really go anywhere. i think the low point was when aileen paid for almost everything, even though she basically had the same amount of money as i did. i scrounged up all my change and we paid for almost half of the the movie rentals and in 'n out using change alone. i played basketball at an indoor gym, and because i had no cash, i used 12 quarters.... laundry money from college. sad, sad life. i couldn't even pump a full tank of gas for my car because i needed to have SOME cash left in my checking account. the blockbuster we went to rent movies was not the one we usually go to, but a smaller one on alcatraz and telegraph - they were advertising $2.99 for a new release and $1.99 for a regular rental. good times... good times....

the movies we rented were "Happenstance," which starred Audrey Tautou from "Amelie," and "Mulholland Drive." "Happenstance" was an interesting and cute date film, which played on the idea that every small grain can move a mountain. aileen commented that it was just like "Serendipity," but good. "Mullholand Drive" was definitely a film about... something... but that will remain unknown. "Happenstance" got me thinking about all the little decisions that play a role in the pipeline of life, specifically when choosing a place to eat. choosing a place to eat with a friend always takes so much effort, because it's always "where do you want to go?" "i dunno, whatever" and some form of variation on that. it would always resort to flipping a coin or choosing a number after narrowing it down to a couple of choices. my schema would start with these questions:
1) "what kind of food do you want to eat?"
if the person says "i don't know", proceed to question 2. otherwise, make selection or flip coin.
2) "asian or non-asian?"
if asian, list choices. if non-asian, proceed to question 3.
3) "okay... mexican, italian, american, pizza...?"
after choosing ethnicity, list choices. if party still does not know, proceed to question 4.
4) "okay, pick a number between 1 and 4."
1=north, 2=west, 3=east, 4=south - this method works best if you are standing on the corner of telegraph or durant, but can still work anywhere else. after party chooses a number, list restaurants that are available in that direction. for example, party chooses 3, which is east. choices would be "durant square, IB's, La Burrita, Orchid, etc." from there, go back to question 2. after choice is made, get some grub. if choice still hasn't been made, just walk in front of a restaurant, and by then, the party will have either eliminated everything down to one or two restaurants, or just pick restaurant at random. if narrowed down to two choices, flip coin or play "eanie, meanie, miney, mo"

now i know this process is quite complicated, but it always forces the other person to make the choice. for me, i rarely ever care where we go because my taste buds have been disintegrated from eating too many spicy foods, thus making everything bland and edible. so what does this have to do with "Happenstance?" well, it relates because no matter how much or how little time and effort you spend on choosing a place to satisfy your stomach, it's all in the greater purpose that has already been planned. for instance, think about a time when you and a friend went out to eat - and think about what went on during your meal... the conversations, the jokes, and how things either failed miserably or blossomed... and now think of a place where else that could have happened. i'll put my money (yes, ALL of it), that the same conversation and outcome would not and could not have happened elsewhere. so that's how it fits into the grand scheme of life... that even the smallest most insignificant decisions, such as choosing a place to eat, can make the biggest impact on two people's lives. we are so not in control of ourselves. we have no say.

so much going on in the news today. the pipe-bomber moving to Iowa, Palestinians being released from the Church of Nativity in Bethlehem, yet another train wreck in London, the FBI spy got sentenced to life, and i got a new job. well, it's not a real job, but i am going to start tutoring to make money on the side. this way, i might be able to survive and not living paycheck to paycheck as much anymore. this way, i can afford to go to la burrita every week. i am also thinking of other ways to generate income, mostly in the website business.
finances are always clogging up everyone's minds, and definitely a huge factor in influencing my actions. i wish that were not the case for anyone, ever.
in any case, i need to get married so that my finances will be in check. every month, there is one thing that happens which completely drains my checking account... like... mother's day... car accidents... car repairs... new car... taxes (for tax day, i owed the government 1200 dollars... insane, huh?)... every month, something just HAS to come up.
what about investing? well, two years ago, my dad gave me money to buy stocks, specifically in a company called Metromedia Fiber Networks. Try looking up the ticker symbol now... it's MFNX. can't find it? GEE, i wonder why. that's about another grand down the drain.

in light of my finance handling ability, which should qualify as a tax deduction in itself, all the sports teams i ever choose never do well either. since i was born in San Diego, i root for all their teams... no, not the new jersey teams. those would come in second, but a far second. so these are the teams i root for, and how they fared their last seasons:

Baseball: San Diego Padres. Finished last in their division (behind the ROCKIES for goodness sake!).
Football: San Diego Chargers. Finished last in their division (they started 5-2 in first place... then lost 9 in a row. my luck shall always prevail).
Basketball: Los Angeles Clippers (they used to play in San Diego). This team might make it next year. This past season, they did very well despite the fact they had a losing record and not in second to last place like in 2001.
Ice Hockey: Chicago Blackhawks. Why Chicago? Because it was my favorite team when I got my first ice hockey game for nintendo. Ice hockey in San Diego? No way. This team made it to the playoffs this season, but got smashed in the first round.

whenever people ask me which teams i root for, it has always gone like this. 99.8% of the time. the 0.2% is when someone else likes the same team i do, which has yet to happen ever, by the way.

"what's your favorite team?"
"umm... (insert relevant team name while hanging head low)"
"THE (relevant team name)?!?!?!?"

basketball season:
"which team you root for?"
"umm... the clippers."
"THE CLIPPERS?!"

football season:
"what's your favorite team?"
"umm.... the chargers...."
"THE CHARGERS?!?!"

you get the idea. and now you understand a small part of my life.
i hope this doesn't happen to the girl i marry.
"so who's your wife?"
"umm... (insert name here)"
"THE (insert name here)?!?!?!"

I will not be the first to tell myself that i have low self-esteem. mulititudes of people have told me this after knowing me only for a short-time, and when people tell you that after talking to you for less than a week - you know you have low self-esteem. i'm not sure where it comes from, although i have several ideas, but it certainly emanated my freshman or early sophomore year in college.
why am i writing about this? because yesterday while staring at an empty blue glass vase, i felt like i needed to do something about it. this whole week, or maybe two or three years, i have gotten the feeling that many people do not like me. now whether this may be true or not, i do not know for sure... but since i do have low self-esteem, i tend to react and think and believe that certain people just don't. this is something i am not used to because ever since i was born, i have always been known as 'the nice boy everyone likes.' whether at church, school, or just friends, i never really experienced people not liking me while i liked them back. call me spoiled, sheltered, naive, ignorant - but that was reality back in happytown, USA. but since entering college, i just did not get along with people and it has always made me wonder why. "people" can be loosely defined as my church brothers and sisters, a place where i often felt either alone or invisible. why is it that way? even nowadays at new jersey or among my non-kcpc friends, i feel this strange sense of confidence within me - like i belong. people would call me to go places, or even more ridiculous, i'd call people to hang out. it's just amazing how different i can be.

so where did this all start? let's see... there was the time where my first girlfriend cheated on me (once or twice, it's debatable)... and then the time where my second ex started dating someone behind my back, then cheated on him with one of my closest friends in college... and then there was the time where someone spread lies about me wanting to marry her, not to mention the other drastic measures she took to "keep" me... there was the time when my best friend stabbed me in the back which got me into some trouble... and the whole church-issue where i never really fit in... would that amount to low self-esteem? i'm not sure... but i know all this crap would turn me into a negative and pessimistic person. being negative and pessimistic does not always translate into low self-esteem, but taking words and actions in a negative way could translate into low self-esteem. and i know that before all this hoopla happened in college, i took things in a positive light where i trusted people and got along with people. so maybe that's where it stems from... but again, i'm not really sure. i don't really know myself that well, but i'm still learning.

so anyways, to demonstrate how i act and react, here's an example of what happened to me yesterday while comparing me to an acquaintance's boyfriend(paraphrased, of course):

"you guys are different."
"how?"
"i dunno."
"um, okay... you just know i'm different."
"i guess."

so my thoughts start racing and my eyes become very focused and my heart beats a little faster. why does she think i'm different? is it because something i've done? was it something i said? she thinks i'm different than her boyfriend... and obviously she likes her boyfriend, and obviously, i'm different...why doesn't she like me? what has she heard about me? did i do anything wrong?... and the thoughts continue and continue and continue. the whole time, she probably didn't mean anything negative at all, but that's just how i naturally think. i'm just really messed up. i know i am. you don't have to tell me.

very interesting to note how little i changed since i wrote about low self-esteem almost a year ago (6/5/2001).

you know what bugs me? it bugs me when movies make a new box-office record.

for example, Spider-man made 114 million dollars last weekend - a new record.

you know what else was a new record? paying 9 or 10 dollars to watch a movie.

i just want to say "DUH you IDIOTS. of course it's going to set a new record when you keep on inflating the prices you knuckleheads!!! why don't you count records as in how many tickets were sold?!?!?!"

Friday night was a very bizzare experience. After watching Spider-man and about to leave Aileen's house to grab ice cream with Aileen, I started my car and was about to pull away from my parking spot (wait, i'm starting to use caps... reset..... okay). suddenly, an african-american man carrying a cell phone and a leather computer bag, dressed in a suit and tie, approached me and started yelling at me through my window. apprehensively, i opened my car door and asked "is something wrong? can i help you?" the man then started to describe his situation. his car broke down and he had no cash on him, AAA said his last payment never went through, and he lives in vallejo. he just tried walking to the two closest gas stations to see if he could get a tow truck, but they were closed. several times, he would say "i'm not a bum, i'm not asking for a ride. i'm not a freak." and i think he was extremely embarrassed to ask me for help. at one point, he mentioned how he works with computers. he then asked if i knew of any gas stations in berkeley or clsoe to berkeley that he can go to using a bus and i can help him out in some way.
"do you have AAA by any chance?"
"actually, yes i do."
"okay, next question is do you have the time."
"actually, that's what i don't have."
"well, do you think there's any way you can help me out?"
i had a 20 dollar bill, and already feeling guilty for not being able to help him with AAA, i gave it to him. inside, i was cringing. i had just spent 150 dollars in one week for food and groceries... not even a week, 4 days. i was running seriously low on cash, and my checking account was running on fumes. outside, "sure of course! here you go" with a friendly smile.
"wow, you mean there are still good people left in the world?" he told me. i felt so guilty because it was so hard for me to give him money - especially someone who needed it much more badly than i did.
"okay, hey, give me your address and i'll write you a check and mail it to you."
"hehe... it's nothing. don't worry about it."
"okay okay... wow, thanks man.... well what's your name?"
"andy."
"hi, i'm allen" i don't even remember if it was allen. through my head, i was just thinking "i'm running out of money, i'm running out of money."
"okay, well do you go to school here?"
"i just graduated actually..."
"oh wow! that's great. what field?"
"um, biology."
"oh okay. hmm.... okay. do you know reverse-transcriptase?"
"yeah, i'm familiar with RTPCR."
"oh? do you know who discovered it?"
"umm... i'm not really sure, i learned it in class i think."
"well his name is David Baltimore, and he's the head of CalTech. I once met and befriended him when i was in a school called Bronx High School of Science. you ever hear of it?"
i had definitely heard of Bronx Sci... it's one of the most prestigious high schools in the country. i was very impresed by this man.
"yeah! i'm from Jersey actually, so i definitely know it."
"oh? that's cool. well, i had to once organize a composium and at the time, he had just won a nobel, so i asked him if he could come. everyone doubted that he would ever show up, but he showed up and i met him and talked with him. and ever since, we've been friends."
"wow, that's really amazing. that's awesome."

after that, we had a few short words and then both left in our own direction. i thought, "wow. this guy went to bronx sci... wow... he's really smart..." aileen joked how i should have used him to get a better job. then it hit me.
"wait a minute. what's a guy that smart doing without any money? shouldn't he have at least a credit card?"
aileen said, "maybe he couldn't get one because he has bad credit."
"no, he had a cell phone, and you need at least okay credit to get a cell phone... AND he obviously has a checking account, which would mean an ATM card... did i just get jipped?"
aileen shrugged... as she always does.
"nah, i couldn't have gotten jipped. i don't want to act like i did. he seemed cool and honest, he knew what reverse transcriptase was, i think he just really needed some help. he probably was low on money since his last payment of AAA didn't go through..." and kept on reasoning things out. the night continued without a hitch.

at the end of it, i'm glad that i gave him money, because it would totally suck for him to be stuck in berkeley late at night with no way out of his situation. i hope he's doing okay.

someone decided to review my blogs, and this is what they had to say:

I don't mean to be cruel (or perhaps I do), but "Blog You" features two attributes that I despise in blogs. First, the writer does not believe in using capital letters, at least not consistently. I see Patty Hearst and patty hearst in the same sentence. (Yeah, i saw that. i also saw the writer beginning many sentences with the small-case i and THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! Write grammatically, you asshole, or DON'T WRITE AT ALL!

I read that crap a lot in blogs. I am an English major, so I understand stream-of-consciousness writing and I know that a writer can stream and still punctuate and use the "cap" button on the keyboard when necessary. "Blog you!" should consider the possibility of APPEARING TO BE LITERATE, even if the writer is not. When "i" see that carelessness, I figure either the writer is an ignorant jerk, or just too damned lazy to do it right. Wash your laundry, blog-dude. Try to produce a class act. Use grammar. Buy a dictionary. Grow up.

Second, I don't understand the obsession with poo. I have dreams more bizarre than his, but "i" don't believe that the reading audience really cares about that. Waxing poetic about taking a shit is unattractive to the general public. Toilet stalls and wherewithalls fascinate only the writer, not the reader. Does the word "coprophilia" ring a bell?

Probably not, because you don't believe in capital letters, either.

I don't know how to put this politely, so I won't try. Your blog sucks. Nobody cares about your patty hearst bowel movements or the really cool nightmares you experience when you are tired, probably from sitting on the toilet too long.

Man, I thought MY life was fucked-up until I read you. Now I feel better.

PS- Learn to write HTML code. A link here and there shows people that you can READ!

Your Reviewer,
Rob Smith