I will not be the first to tell myself that i have low self-esteem. mulititudes of people have told me this after knowing me only for a short-time, and when people tell you that after talking to you for less than a week - you know you have low self-esteem. i'm not sure where it comes from, although i have several ideas, but it certainly emanated my freshman or early sophomore year in college.
why am i writing about this? because yesterday while staring at an empty blue glass vase, i felt like i needed to do something about it. this whole week, or maybe two or three years, i have gotten the feeling that many people do not like me. now whether this may be true or not, i do not know for sure... but since i do have low self-esteem, i tend to react and think and believe that certain people just don't. this is something i am not used to because ever since i was born, i have always been known as 'the nice boy everyone likes.' whether at church, school, or just friends, i never really experienced people not liking me while i liked them back. call me spoiled, sheltered, naive, ignorant - but that was reality back in happytown, USA. but since entering college, i just did not get along with people and it has always made me wonder why. "people" can be loosely defined as my church brothers and sisters, a place where i often felt either alone or invisible. why is it that way? even nowadays at new jersey or among my non-kcpc friends, i feel this strange sense of confidence within me - like i belong. people would call me to go places, or even more ridiculous, i'd call people to hang out. it's just amazing how different i can be.

so where did this all start? let's see... there was the time where my first girlfriend cheated on me (once or twice, it's debatable)... and then the time where my second ex started dating someone behind my back, then cheated on him with one of my closest friends in college... and then there was the time where someone spread lies about me wanting to marry her, not to mention the other drastic measures she took to "keep" me... there was the time when my best friend stabbed me in the back which got me into some trouble... and the whole church-issue where i never really fit in... would that amount to low self-esteem? i'm not sure... but i know all this crap would turn me into a negative and pessimistic person. being negative and pessimistic does not always translate into low self-esteem, but taking words and actions in a negative way could translate into low self-esteem. and i know that before all this hoopla happened in college, i took things in a positive light where i trusted people and got along with people. so maybe that's where it stems from... but again, i'm not really sure. i don't really know myself that well, but i'm still learning.

so anyways, to demonstrate how i act and react, here's an example of what happened to me yesterday while comparing me to an acquaintance's boyfriend(paraphrased, of course):

"you guys are different."
"how?"
"i dunno."
"um, okay... you just know i'm different."
"i guess."

so my thoughts start racing and my eyes become very focused and my heart beats a little faster. why does she think i'm different? is it because something i've done? was it something i said? she thinks i'm different than her boyfriend... and obviously she likes her boyfriend, and obviously, i'm different...why doesn't she like me? what has she heard about me? did i do anything wrong?... and the thoughts continue and continue and continue. the whole time, she probably didn't mean anything negative at all, but that's just how i naturally think. i'm just really messed up. i know i am. you don't have to tell me.

very interesting to note how little i changed since i wrote about low self-esteem almost a year ago (6/5/2001).