http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-0201290262jan29.story?coll=chi%2Dnewsnationworld%2Dhed

who's at fault? parents or school? mind you, they're korean.

confusion is the feeling of all the crap in the world just shoved right down your throat. for me, all the crap i just ate is making me sick.

all of this quandary surrounding a new automobile has reached limits where even i never dreamed of. problem after problem, they just mount like manure in a grazing field. people ask me if i regret selling my car so that i would not have to go through so much - and in some cases i'll have to affirm that feeling. but overall, i know i will not regret any decision i have made - but keep in mind that this is a premature statement. this car issue has yet to be solved.

Bible Gateway Philippians 4:6-7 :: NIV Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

i have to admit to myself that i am not a smart person. i have gotten myself into so much trouble because of my stupidity, and all the time God was telling me to just ask him for help instead of always trying to do things on my own. This whole car issue got way out of hand. i barely started my job, and in order to really get a good loan instead of a first-time buyer rate of like 20 percent, i would need my parents to cosign for me. my parents have done so much for me in the past and has always supported me. i admit, they are not the easiest people to get along with, but they have been there for me where even my friends have either turned their back on me or just simply stabbed me in the back. i wanted to get this car on my own, without their help or anyone's help because i'm so sick of getting people to help me all the time. but worst came to worst, and i called my parents and asked if they could co-sign a deal if needed. of course my dad said okay in an instant, my mom on the other hand gave me a verbal beating over the phone. i felt incredibly bad before the call - then depressed after the call. i felt like crying because i felt so shameful and hopeless. i'm on my own - and have been since college - and still i need my parents support. i know that people tell me that of course i'll need my parents help, and that 90% of my coworkers still live at home - but i guess they'll never know what i went through. one day, i'm going to buy them a house.

the past two days, gospelcom.net has posted two verses... and have really urged me to pray. i felt like i haven't prayed so long, and my attention span is so short now, i'll start a prayer then just start thinking about something else. my heart is so weak and misplaced. i tried forcing myself to pray last nite, and for some reason, i just couldn't. you hear how these people give their testimonies and say "i prayed one night and God opened His arms to me, yada yada yada, and i just prayed for 10 hours straight through my tears, yada yada yada." for me - i don't even remember ending my prayer. i just couldn't bring myself to pray. i think i have gotten so prideful to the point where i don't even want to ask God for help. maybe i feel that even God has helped me so much that i don't deserve to ask Him for anything either. i know that is a bad attitude, but sometimes, i just want to reject God's Grace and Mercy because i know i don't deserve it - and it pains me to know that i need it still yet at times either take it for granted or just try to reject it.

sheesh.

i sold my car this weekend. this guy who really liked it for some reason decided to buy it on the spot. i sold it for over a thousand dollars from my target price, so i was pretty happy. parts of me were happy, parts of me were sad. i guess it's because it was my first car and the several memories that i gained with it. like getting stuck on the dumbarton bridge... just me and my car... alone...
so now i am in a very sticky situation because i want to downgrade. i know 'downgrading' really isn't saying much, but i did have all the options that toyota had to offer for 1992. geez.
how do i find a car that is cheap, yet fast, yet fuel-efficient, yet a convertible? i think i need to pray. i am so lost. my sin is seriously blinding my eyes and heart. for some reason, gospelcom.net posts a daily verse - and it always seems relevant to my life during the time i read it. i'm going to check it now.

okay, so for today, they posted this:
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." -- Matthew 7:7 and 8

God does have a sense of humor... He really does.

boredom is the feeling you get when you take everything in your life for granted.

when i was refilling the TAE buffer, i had this weird thought. i was staring at my hand, bored out of my mind, and i guess i just had this weird thought about Latex. most people think of latex as the material used for condoms, but i think of it as gloves. the very same material that people use to protect themselves - we wear in the lab and on our hands. oh my goodness, i am so bored.

pure idiocy:
________________________________________________________________
Dear GeoCities Member,

Congratulations, http://www.geocities.com/borrowedhistory seems to
be very popular and has been receiving a large amount of traffic.
Our records indicate that you're using more than the allotted amount
of data transfer we provide for a free web site, which is 3 gigabytes
per month (measured on an hourly basis). That means that during the
past few days we had to temporarily turn your site off to keep the
bandwidth within this limit.

What can I do?

Keep in mind that large files such as images and multimedia files
can effect your data transfer greatly. A single web page that
contains 200,000 bytes of images will only be able to be viewed
about 20-25 times an hour. By keeping your file sizes and page
sizes as small as possible, you can maximize the amount of page views
your site can produce.

You can also upgrade your site to one of our new premium services,
GeoCities Pro or GeoCities Webmaster. These packages allow for 10 and
20 gigabytes of data transfer per month, and also give you the option of
purchasing unlimited data transfer so your site will always be accessible.
These packages also enable you to run an ad-free site at your own
domain name (for example, www.borrowedhistory.com) AND get matching email
accounts at that domain (like you@borrowedhistory.com).

For more information about our new packages, please visit
http://geocities.yahoo.com/ps/info3
Upgrading your current GeoCities site to one of our new premium packages
is simple. You don't have to move ANY of your files, and your current
GeoCities web address will continue to work in addition to your domain.

If you'd prefer not to receive this notice in the future, just go to
http://geocities.yahoo.com/opt/bwemail to take your name off of the notify
list. Of course, our servers will continue to monitor your site's data
usage and turn it off if it exceeds the limits.

Thank you,

Yahoo! GeoCities
__________________________________________________________________________________

i think i need to switch hosts yet again. i honestly believe that limiting data transfer rates to something this low is simply insane.

on a lighter note, i have been selected to be published in a book that has one of my poems in it. i think it is very cool at the same time very dumb.

(obviously this entry is just to show off)

car is kinda fixed so that it runs. i want to sell it pretty badly... but thoughts on getting a convertible are fleeting away.

i posted some pictures up to those who read this... http://www.geocities.com/borrowedhistory/pictures.html

anyways, you know what i don't really enjoy about communal prayers? like praying before meals, more specifically... it's the fact that nobody ever remembers what you just prayed about. ever. everytime we pray before our meals or have prayer meetings... not even 5 minutes into the meal or whatever, very very few people actually remember what we just prayed about. this bugs me in several different levels. one level is that we should be affected by prayer since it is our way of communication to God. the second level is that it's just plain rude to forget and not really pay attention to what someone else is sweating blood and tears over.

a typical atypical morning for me...

my car has broken down for the past week. i put fuel injector cleaner so i can HELP my car, but what happened instead was that i broke down. so with a broken car, my roommate has been accomdating my travels by picking me up and dropping me off at work. i'm really grateful for that. i tried fixing it and tried driving it this morning. it took me an extremely long time to get out of my block. the reason why i still tried to drive it to work is unbeknownst to me - but i think it had to do with the fact that i really had no other alternative and couldn't afford to miss work today. with several death-defying stunts (including jumping into a moving car to slam the emergency brake with my hand rather than my foot barely missing a concrete wall by a couple inches), i managed to get 1/2 way to work in almost 3x the time it usually takes me. i barely managed to get into a mechanic, and the estimated repairs are going to amount to around 400 dollars.

what is the point? the point is i need God.

"In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
-- Psalm 118:5 and 6

I feel that i have neglected my Lord so much lately and feel a huge burden of guilt and shame for disclosing my eyes and heart to the only direction where it should have been the whole time: upwards. My quiet times have been suffering immensely and proportionately, my attitude has also been suffering in parallel.

I also feel ashamed to the fact that i did not want to admit this to myself for the longest time. i did not want to post it on blogger because it IS public information, and i AM prideful. but i have to remind myself that i am not writing this for anyone else but for me...and that i needed to write this down and organize my thoughts. why i chose to write my journal online is a concept that people have trouble understanding. "why post online when you say you write for yourself?" i would often hear. where else can i write my thoughts anywhere in the world without carrying a single disk/pen/book?


anyways, my second point is that i am going to sell my car to the first buyer and get a new one. preferable a convertible, but not a nice one. just a convertible.

my car is still broken... and i think i want to get a mustang gt convertible. or maybe a civic.

anyways, i just read this article and i am so ashamed to be korean. it's about Korean "booking clubs." here's my favorite part:

Ms. Kim, the 21-year-old in the short black dress, scrimps and saves for clubbing nights by eating 78-cent lunches of ramen noodles. After school, she also privately tutors junior-high-school kids in math and English.
“The clubs are expensive for students like me, but it’s worth it,” she said, sipping a drink at ASEM Juliana’s. “This is the only way to meet men naturally.”

http://www.msnbc.com/news/684463.asp

a new year. 2002.

my car broke down... again. i really want to sell it and get a new one.

anything else new? not really.

i got selected to participate in a conference for my poetry in florida, where i can compete against other amateur poets... but i don't think i'm going to go since we have to pay for our trip there. it's going to be held at the disney world resort and a ton of famous people are going to be there. funny huh? i actually won something.