i have to admit to myself that i am not a smart person. i have gotten myself into so much trouble because of my stupidity, and all the time God was telling me to just ask him for help instead of always trying to do things on my own. This whole car issue got way out of hand. i barely started my job, and in order to really get a good loan instead of a first-time buyer rate of like 20 percent, i would need my parents to cosign for me. my parents have done so much for me in the past and has always supported me. i admit, they are not the easiest people to get along with, but they have been there for me where even my friends have either turned their back on me or just simply stabbed me in the back. i wanted to get this car on my own, without their help or anyone's help because i'm so sick of getting people to help me all the time. but worst came to worst, and i called my parents and asked if they could co-sign a deal if needed. of course my dad said okay in an instant, my mom on the other hand gave me a verbal beating over the phone. i felt incredibly bad before the call - then depressed after the call. i felt like crying because i felt so shameful and hopeless. i'm on my own - and have been since college - and still i need my parents support. i know that people tell me that of course i'll need my parents help, and that 90% of my coworkers still live at home - but i guess they'll never know what i went through. one day, i'm going to buy them a house.

the past two days, gospelcom.net has posted two verses... and have really urged me to pray. i felt like i haven't prayed so long, and my attention span is so short now, i'll start a prayer then just start thinking about something else. my heart is so weak and misplaced. i tried forcing myself to pray last nite, and for some reason, i just couldn't. you hear how these people give their testimonies and say "i prayed one night and God opened His arms to me, yada yada yada, and i just prayed for 10 hours straight through my tears, yada yada yada." for me - i don't even remember ending my prayer. i just couldn't bring myself to pray. i think i have gotten so prideful to the point where i don't even want to ask God for help. maybe i feel that even God has helped me so much that i don't deserve to ask Him for anything either. i know that is a bad attitude, but sometimes, i just want to reject God's Grace and Mercy because i know i don't deserve it - and it pains me to know that i need it still yet at times either take it for granted or just try to reject it.

sheesh.