June 18, 2002

INT., BARBER SHOP, DAY

ANDY drives profusely from barber shop to barber shop, looking for a place that is open on a Monday afternoon. He drives to one to another, finding them all closed. He resorts to a beauty salon next to a supermarket. The sign on the door reads: WALK-INS WELCOME.

ANDY enters barber shop, greeted by the BARBER eating lunch in the back.

ANDY
Hi, can I get a haircut?

BARBER
Ummm… (looks around the empty store and out the window, as if he is expecting someone) … sure I guess it’ll be okay.

ANDY sits down on a chair that is directed by the BARBER.

BARBER
So what’ll it be kid.

ANDY
Can you make the sides and back really short and thin out the top? A couple inches would be cool too.

BARBER
Do you usually part your hair like this?

ANDY
Um, no. I usually have it barely combable on top, and the front gelled up.

BARBER
Okay, okay. I got it. No prob.

Before ANDY takes off his glasses, he notices a large “Jesus is my Cornerstone” gold plaque next to the BARBER’S hair license. ANDY stares at it amusingly.

The BARBER starts by pulling out the razors. He skillfully places gel on the blade and proceeds to cut ANDY’S hair. Right before he starts to cut his hair, the BARBER’S head suddenly jolts to his right. ANDY becomes alarmed.

ANDY(to himself)
Oh my God, what the heck…

The BARBER finishes one stroke and right afterwards, his head jolts to his right again. The electric razor narrowly misses ANDY’S face. He continues to do this continuously stroke after stroke. ANDY’s breathing becomes heavier. After a while, the phone rings.

ANDY(to himself)
Please, please do not answer that.

The BARBER answers the cordless phone, places it in on his right shoulder, and continues to cut ANDY’s hair.

BARBER (head his still jolting into the phone while cutting ANDY’S hair)
Hello, barber shop… Well, it’s much easier to take appointments because I’m usually filled up… but today doesn’t look too bad.

ANDY(to himself)
I can’t believe this guy actually gets appointments. I can’t believe people actually return to him.

BARBER
Well, if you can get here within 15 minutes, I think I’ll be able to squeeze you in. I already had one cancellation. (jolts head again). Okay… Okay… Well if you get here than I’ll see you then. Okay…. Bye.

BARBER continues to cut ANDY’S hair. All of a sudden, ANDY needs to cough.

ANDY(to himself)
Oh please no, please no. Please, don’t cough… please hold it in…. pl-

ANDY coughs, and the BARBER pulls away.

BARBER
You okay there?

ANDY(to himself)
Maybe I should just tell him that I’m feeling really sick and need to go home…

ANDY
No, I’m fine, I’m fine. I think I just choked on my own spit.

BARBER
Okay then… you sure?

ANDY
Yeah, I’m sure.

ANDY stares intently at the “Jesus is my Cornerstone” plaque, repeating it over and over again in his head. BARBER continues to cut his hair, head still jolting. Another phone call comes in, asking if he has any open spots, while cutting ANDY’S hair, head still jolting. Time passes by, and the BARBER is finishing up. Another CUSTOMER comes in and asks if he is available. The BARBER tells the CUSTOMER to just sit tight.
The haircut is almost finished.

ANDY
Were you going to thin my hair?

BARBER (turning around with thinning shears)
I was just about to start that.

ANDY gulps. The BARBER approaches ANDY’s head with the shears, and ANDY closes his eyes silently praying to himself. He hears and feels snips with some pauses.
The clipping finally stops and ANDY opens his eyes.

BARBER
Well, that’s it.

ANDY has trouble seeing because his glasses are off, and can’t really tell what his hair looks like.

ANDY
Wow, looks great!

ANDY puts his glasses on as the BARBER wipes him clean with the brush. His hair is completely one length all around, not the hair cut he was asking for. His left side is a little higher than his right side. But he doesn’t really care because he wants to get the hell out. ANDY pays the bill, much more expensive than he expected, and leaves.