it is painfully obvious (yes, i use the word painfully), that my mind is encrypted with an unknown code. my head has become a blender of cocktails, convoluted with so much waste that it literally pours out of my eyes. if i close my eyes, the blender is turned on with all the crap swirling through my head, trapped in with nowhere to go... several thoughts just appear in the dark space mixed together, scene by scene, time by time. what seems like a bad case of ADD is just a bad case of concentration. i just can't focus on one thought or one thing. my eyes must be kept open for me to concentrate... but even then it is a very hard task for me to do.

why is this relevant? what's the point? it's relevant because i have a hard time focusing on prayers. the point is, i'm struggling. at church, at home, anywhere i have to pray with my eyes open to really get a good prayer in. it is certainly ironic because the tradition is you pray with your eyes closed to focus better and not get distracted. if i'm at church and i pray with my eyes closed, i'll always catch myself thinking of something else and not listening. for instance, i'll subconsciously be thinking about how the Jayhawks could have won, or why my jacket smells, or how much gas i have left in my car...as if Satan is inside my mind, steering my thoughts -and heart- away from my time with God. if i'm at home praying - even outloud - i'll end up silent...because i'll either be asleep or catch myself into thinking a random thought. i'm talking and talking and as abrupt as a car accident, yet stealthy like a snake, i'll just stop and start thinking about things. it upsets me, correction, infuriates me that i can be so easily distracted when i am trying to spend time with God. is my heart that weak? are my motives not really there? the solution is the ironic twist: i need to pray more.