irony is when you read, work out, and become much more diligent during summer break than your entire college career. this has been my life this break. i have yet to leave my house property in two straight days, and i have done more than i could imagine sitting at home in college. i should have stayed in the east coast. that is also irony - going far away for college to escape from something that you needed all along.

sitting here at home, going through all my old stuff, makes me wonder how i have really changed. i read an old letter than my ex-girlfriend from high school wrote to me, and one line, it read "well, it's so weird, but i didn't get to sit next to you in annie's car or in rehearsal on thursday. you would think that would be a 'given' knowing that we are a couple. but... NOOOO! i'm not mad or anything, but i was weird."

i know this is like really really personal (and i'm never going to do this again), but i had to give a good example to myself. so reading this, i knew i would be a little grossed out if i had a girlfriend at this moment complaining about something like that. but in high school, i remember feeling happy for her being concerned about such petty issues. however sometimes, i feel that i have become more sensitive but passive. another ironical statement. no, it's more of a paradox.

let me explain. then you can tell me to see a shrink.

during high school, the golden age as i like to call them, i was pretty self-confident. my esteem was high, i was "popular", my gpa was very good, i had a girlfriend, life was simply good, though there were some hard times, but still it was very good. then in college, like i have said before, my life went through much turmoil draining the life out of my body. i think my confidence has become quite low, to be honest, bringing down my self-esteem and energy and passion. so in that sense, i have become desensitized. sometimes, things just do not affect me like they used to. in the words of my ex-girlfriend, i have become "eh."

but the weird thing is, i still feel more sensitive. when your self-confidence is low, things people say about you or their actions towards you start to become more personal. i think it's because you can't make judgements about yourself, and any time you do, they're usually negative. so you start relying on what other people say about you since you incapacitated to do so, and when it's negative it doesn't necessarily surprise you, but still hurts you. sometimes you misconstrue actions and take it to a personal level. i remember a time when i never did that - where i just had the confidence in myself and trust in others to simply be at peace.

i know that i have felt and gone through this for a reason. and i believe the purpose is this. during my QT this weekend, one of the hardest weekends of my life (i still can't say why, sorry), this is where i was lead to read.

In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise--
in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

- Ps. 56:10-11

now i have said many times in previous entries that i have been hurt by my closest friends several times over. but if i trusted fully in He who created us, "what can man do to me?" i need to learn how to trust in God, and God alone. and i know i've said this to myself before, that i need to learn how to trust God alone. this is such a monumental task to anyone i believe, and i need to learn how to do it. God will keep reminding me one way or another that i only need Him and believe that He is more than sufficient. so how do i give up my self, body and mind and soul, to something i can't possibly ever see, hear, touch, or comprehend?

i know that i'm growing and learning to at an ever slow yet steady pace. i have never doubted that God would not find me a job or place to live and have never worried about other material things such as money or food. it's weird but i just trust Him that He will provide and look for my needs. (but at the same time, i just wonder if it's also because i have become desensitized in that respect, and if it's what God wanted me to do.) but in terms of personal issues such as people and friends, this is where my struggle lies. this is where i need to also learn how to trust God. it's easy to say "God will find me a job" but it's not easy to say "man can't hurt me."

okay i have thoroughly confused myself and people who might read this.

let's summarize:
in terms of everything not people related, i have either become desensitized completely or have just found the peace in God or both... i don't know which one it is yet, though i think it's because i learned to trust God and not worry about it. this was a good start on my "road to recovery."
in terms of almost everything people related, i have become more sensitive during college because of certain experiences. i still have to learn how to trust in God alone even in these sorts of situations. but i am certainly becoming better, gaining my self-confidence slowly and learning from my several mistakes.

don't worry, i'm as confused as you are.